I Don’t Already Have Everything I Desire ~ And That's Okay!

Good Morning My Confidants!

What a great couple of days I have had! What a great day today is going to be.

I hope your day is turning out to be wonderful. Grab it! Make it wonderful!

I have so much of what I want in life.

And I am finding that I am comfortable with the fact that I don’t already have everything I want—that all my dreams haven’t come true yet.

Because I know they will! Or something even better.

I have said before and I will say again that something that I really, really do love about being my age is that I know it’s true—it does get better. I look back over my life and I see wondrous times and I see some dark ones. Both. Right now I am almost out of the last dark valley.

The first few years with my first husband were incredible. It was fairy-tale. Some kind of gay version of a 60s/70s/family sit com. We had a big (although non-legal) wedding, and we had a tiered cake and both sets of parents were there. We were in the newspaper and the flight attendant had seen our article (full color front page of the one of the newspaper sections) and brought us champagne. We were accepted everywhere that mattered and were even fan guests at a convention.

I learned a lot. I became a better person. I made mistakes and learned from them. I was in love. Wow, was I in love.

The last five years with my first husband were bad. It was really bad. He had a hidden addiction, and it was like a raging lion in all it did to destroy everything. And I was co-dependent, and had my faults as well, which was only gas on the fire. I thought I wouldn’t get through it. I seemed trapped. I was in such pain.

But I did survive.

What does not kill us makes us stronger, huh? In this case it was true. And the bad times did end, and good times came again.

The first few years I worked where I worked for fifteen years were incredible. I learned so much. I got to use my talents. And the schedule allowed me lots of time to write—and that got me published. And more. I owe that job for me being a writer. That is good.

The last few years working were bad. Really bad. Hurtful. Harmful. Soul-sucking. Dream-crushing. Abusive. My health declined. I was injured on the job twice and all they did was make it worse. I realized they were afraid to fire me and were trying to make me quit. It could have been over and done with sooner if I hadn’t gotten so depressed that I wasn’t able to motivate myself into doing something to make my life better. Like looking for another job and filling out more applications. Leaping more.

But I am no longer there. I am free of all that and for the first time in my life, free to do whatever I want to do. Thing is I still have a lot of PTSD and I let that hold me back. I couldn't write. I couldn't read.

But I am coming out of that. I am writing and loving it!

I still have problems with my weight. I get it all down and get in pretty good shape—and then gain it all back. But each time I get back to better eating habits and get the weight off easier than the last. At one point it took a couple years before I got back on track. This last time over a year. But I have!

And in the last month I have shed fifteen (15!) pounds!

I don’t have a quite cabin in the woods somewhere yet, or maybe one on a beach…but I will. Or a pool with a pool boy to take care of it (preferably while wearing a speedo). But I could! Or maybe a permanent vacation spot in San Francisco or the Keys or P-Town. But I could! I will!

But it is happening. I can tell—because of experience—that this dark period is finally about to pass. It is passing. I can smell the other side! Like that time we went to San Francisco and were coming up over the rise and I could smell the salt in the air and—Oohhh!—there was San Francisco, sprawled out before us, and night, gorgeous and glowing like a tiara and its lights reflecting on the bay! Stunning!

Life experience has shown me that all that "it gets better" stuff is not bologna, kaka, balderdash, bunk, poppycock, drivel.... It really does get better.

I don’t have to let the non-fun times get to me.

I'm not the weight I want to be, but I am finally going to stop the yo-yo diet of losing and gaining and losing and gaining (which is just as bad as being obese) and get to and stay at the weight I want. I can do it. I can have whatever I want!

I don’t have the house I want (a ranch-style house with no steps somewhere where it doesn’t snow). But I have a house. Heck, I have two!

I finally have a really good computer and it has helped so much with the writing!

I am not a famous writer yet. Not a New York Times bestseller. But I will be.

No movies made from one of my books—but there will be!

I know it!

I would like to be in a position where I can travel a lot more. I want to go to Greece, and Italy, and Iceland, and Egypt, and my lifelong dreams of going to the United Kingdom, and I very, very much want to go to India and tour and then end it up staying a week in an ashram. Oh! And Bali! I so want to go to Bali! Plus United States places like Key West and the afore mentioned P-Town or Hawaii.

And I would really love to meet Lady Gaga, Bette Midler, Stevie Nicks, P!nk, Taylor Swift, Lily Tomlin, and last but not least, the Dahli Lama. And I am going to meet some of them!

And all those things require better health and that is what I am working on! Goals! Dreams! Things to look forward while being happy and blessed right in the place I am right now. I have so much! I have two husbands! And they love me and take care of me. And I love them and am learning to be a better husband for them. I have true love, a writing career, I’ve been to Egypt and the Holy Land, and have wonderful pets.

No, I have yet to have all I desire. It is desire that motivates me to achieve.

But if I had, what would there be to look forward to?

And hey, really truly, what more could I desire?

And I don’t feel like I am settling or putting up with less than I deserve.

I am happy.

I think that is pretty awesome!

Thank you, Universe, for all you have given me. All that you continue to give me. And for always finding a way to wake me up when I forget who and how I want to be!

Namasté,

B.G. "Gentle Ben" Thomas